Angela BACIU

PAGES  OF JOURNAL

MONDAY
I  have never stood aloof and it seems that I ’ve come to be unable to feel either, I’ve come to be unable to revive the quiet snows of yesterday,
of the day before yesterday. I
keep on learning to be in his place,
and he keeps on learning to settle his affairs with the present, he has done it on purpose,
he ha put me to the test, he has been afraid of the day to come, or
of the same way with no return,
we’ve come to estrange from each other
without even being aware of it.
With each day that has passed  I’ve come to know
he becomes weaker and weaker
and more and more lonely─
he’s been afraid of  people and of all that’s been around him.

TUESDAY
Today he hardly walks, we both know it, but we keep silent,
I  smile confidently, as usual I prepare
the strong coffee in the brown cup of glass,
by adding two little spoonfuls of sugar,
 and a cube of chocolate, he smiles,
it is left for later, too. He asks for the pills, my pills, please─
in the little glass made of plastic,
every day at the same time
the same pills of all kinds
and all colours,
without any effect, seem to stimulate his thirst for living, his power for fighting, he is so
so worried today….
it is sunny , I say.
 Few are the days
 he spends outside, he suffers from phobia,
 air phobia, people phobia, light phobia, he’s feeling
better now because  I am close by,
I read the newspaper for him, he enjoys it,
he enjoys it, go on reading, he says,
keep on reading…
 
WEDNESDAY
We give worship to the same Lord and wait. Today
the same  as yesterday. We hesitate about living, we hesitate about dying, we have no courage to take it from the beginning, we have only one way and that way is without return.
Either expects something. Who is the former?

Today we are waiting for the doctor to come, it’s a young lady
gentle, with a warm smiling, and a  childish behaviour.
How are you feeling today ─better, worse─
blood pressure, ocular pressure, walking, joints,
look upwards, to the left, to the right,
 continue your medical treatment, I am coming next week
to see you again, you have such a beautiful house,
that’s it, “health”,
what irony,
why not luck, money, happiness instead
 it could probably be more helpful.
The exercises come next ─legs, arms, fingers, and again
legs, arms, fingers, one minute, three, seven, 10, 20, 30,
  3 minutes more than it was yesterday.
It’s good, you feel tired, you’ll go on with them tomorrow, too.

THURSDAY 
It is lunch-time. We pretend we talk calmly and friendly,
I look at him, he does his best to hide but  in vain.

We sit before the backgammon case, we start the game. You are the first,
6-3, it’s a bad beginning, you might have more luck, 6-6,
You are high up on the fence, they  make gates,
how are you feeling today? I throw the dice,
it’s worse,
maybe the weather changes, 4-3, it’s not good at all,
next time, who knows,
you are tired, too tired,
I wish we could go for a walk to the Danube
as before,  to watch the fishermen, I don’t feel like  playing on at backgammon, the harbour was so beautiful, what do you want me to do for you? Can you remember the bird nest on the quay, at the harbour master’s office,
It was spring as it is now, I wish I could walk
As then, hand in hand, what are you saying?

He has fallen asleep gently at my right.

FRIDAY
It is night time,
I go out in the balcony, it’s full moon,
We could say life and death are
together again. Since yesterday  butterfly wings have been fluttering in my right ear. It is the first sign of detachment. They say  it’s the way INSANITY begins , with a flutter of wings. I have switched off the light, it is quiet
are you cold? No,
Leave the door open to sense the night air.
I am with myself once again,    
I embrace the sweet body
of loneliness how often
have I done it so far
Are you thirsty? Yes, I am,
I am badly thirsty….
SATURDAY
My words cling to any lint of sunrise.
He knows that
with each day that passes ….

SUNDAY
I reach out my hand for the left night stand,
I switch on the light,
The bark of my dogs tears the late night.
They are four in number:  Pink Muzzle, The Scared One, The Striped Brothers, twins,
A hard night , why are you awake, because
I  do not know the secrets of death, be patient,
I AM NOT PATIENT ANY MORE,
I can’t stand it any longer.

I leaf  The Anatomist of Federico Andahazi,
I remember─I am alive─
Exhausted, all alone, fed up with life, but alive,
You know,
Death has no feelings, he is neither ugly nor beautiful,
He neither loves nor hates, like us he’s been living
For thirty years and more

The shape of my face is so...
We lose our identity to such an extent that
we simply do not know who we are!
 
Let’s try and go on sleeping
 for two more hours,  I am so scared, it is dawnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnning,
I stand motionless,
this white snake of pain
seizes me,
smothers me
pity
for the beauty of this face, where the hell am I,
I cannot see any longer,
Go to the window breathe in fresh air,
You’ve had a nightmare.

It begins raining,
how long will it last?
Traduceri de Olimpia IACOB